Liking Butt Stuff Doesn't Mean You're Gay & Let's Not Be Homophobes...K?

I can't tell you how many times I've heard the words or some variation of these words uttered in my office: "I like prostate massage but I'm not gay.” I've also heard many prostate-having people say that their partners have shamed them for liking or asking for butt stuff "because it's gay." [Side note: I say prostate-having people because not all owners of prostates are men. Transgender women and non-binary folks can have prostates! But I digress..] I find this situation so dizzying I don't even know where to start, so I'll start here with this simple truism: liking stuff in your butt has nothing to do with your sexual orientation. All it means is that you're a normal person who appreciates something that feels good to you. I even hesitate to say ‘normal’ because I feel it can be a potentially stigmatizing word. In my experience the vast majority of prostate-having people find external and internal stimulation to their butthole greatly pleasurable. I haven't kept numbers on this topic, but if I had to guess I would say about 90% of prostate-having people I’ve encountered find external stimulation pleasurable (the other 10% finding it "meh") and 70% find internal stimulation (a finger or dildo) pleasurable (while the other 30% find it "meh"). No person has ever said in my presence: "oh my god that's awful!" They either LOVE love LOVE it (and want to know why in the heck they have been waiting their whole life to try it and where has it been their whole life?!?!?!?!) OR they feel "meh" on it… like maybe no better or worse than a hand massage or a pat on the back. Pretty remarkable, huh? So what I'm saying is IF you have a prostate AND you like it being played with…. then congratulations--you have discovered a body part that has lots of fabulous nerve endings! Furthermore, you my friend have a personal, fabulous, discreet, and portable new toy to play with!

I’m hopeful you can see how this has nothing to do with sexual orientation. A person of ANY gender and ANY body type could potentially give a prostate-having person pleasure if that person enjoys having their prostate played with!! At a basic level, fingers work great for prostate stimulation (especially with neato black nitrile gloves for good hygiene practices!). Dildos work great too if you want more girth than a finger (or two) has to offer. Contrary to common thinking, an actual penis really isn't required… but now that I think of it that sounds wonderful too! I now hope you can appreciate the boundless possibilities for prostate pleasure options!

Sooooo... let's now move on to the "but I'm not gay" part of the equation shall we? I’d like to put out a call for all of us to just all stop feeling the need to say this. In my experience the feeling of need to express this idea likely comes from one of two places. The first is a place of possible overt homophobia where you may have a problem with gay people in general. For this scenario I am personally asking you to stop to consider where these feelings may come from and/or perhaps get some help from a therapist/professional to work through your issues on this. I find that kind of messaging is incredibly damaging and arguably perpetuates a kind of hate that damages our society, resulting in actual physical and mental harm. However, it can also come from a place of internalized homophobia, which most people have to some extent or another. Even if you consider yourself an ally to the LGBTQIA community, chances are you carry around a big dose of internalized homophobia because it's in the air we breathe, the water we swim in, the culture we grew up in. Society and culture have programmed you to think this way. From a very young age we are taught that heterosexuality is the unbending norm.

That being said, YOU can consciously start to recognize your internalized baggage and start challenging those narratives. Stop saying things like: "That's gay.” Gay jokes aren't funny. They are the insidious, seemingly benign kind of microaggressions that lead to people to living in fear of their own personal desires. Being exposed to repeated harmful messages like that over time can lead to anxiety, depression, self-harm, even suicide. Take it a step further and challenge others when you hear them say homophobic things. If your partner tells you they want to try butt stuff, then support them in that desire!! Do not allow it to turn into a commentary on their sexuality. Love them unconditionally!

Let's all be free and allow others to be free to experience pleasure! Support your prostate-having friends in their journey to find pleasure! Have the courage to proudly be out about your own butthole pleasures! You never know who you might help simply by self-disclosing and having the courage to be vulnerable. It could even save a life.

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